Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Just this weekend nakausap ko up close and personal for the ferst time in our whole lives together ang isang tao that di ko talagang akalain na makausap. I mean, yes would you believe na for 7 years nakakasama ko siya and yet ngayon lang kami maguusap ng ganito:

Ako: bear, do you know the difference between TOTOO and TAMA?

Tesa: I think there’s a difference…

Ako: do you know what is it?

Teas: totoo is real and tama is right

Ako: how pathetic bear, I didn’t told you to give their meanings, I should have just read the dictionary had it been that way.

After a long pause…

Tesa: you believe in reality and that could b wrong or right and if u believe in that reality, that truth for you…

Me: ah, yes bear… you’ve hit it.

Tesa: you? what would you have chose? The truth or right?

Actually, up to this moment I don’t have an answer but here is what I said

Me: the truth.

Tesa: but what if it will onli give you pain no matter how real it is already? Sumtyms we have to accept dat there is the fake reality… in order to move on

Me: what do you mean?

Tesa: kc u know that in d end nothing happened, dat u just hope for nothing.

Me: ah yeah, but people aren’t here to have fun. People lived to be hurt and that’s about it. You only have to accept fakes. There’s no other way out.

Tesa: yeah so why does it fil so right when its so wrong? Or how can it be wrong wen it fils so right?

Me: oh, you said “feel” feelings and emotions are subjective. Either wrong or right.

Tesa: so the one you choose to love is the wrong one?

Me: no, it’s the feeling that’s wrong.

Tesa: why?

Me: for example…. Ur in love with this married guy, sure it’s not wrong to love but reality sets in that you could never be with that guy, not even close. So you move on, that’s right. The truth can only comes after the right.
Tesa: oh I see,

Me: it hurts,. There are a lot of rules, complications and everything else.

Tesa: yeah, I agree…

Me: so you? what are you choosing?

Tesa: why suddenly you’re asking me the question? Oh well, the truth too maybe,,, im going to let it go..

Me: ah ok…

Tesa: new situation, if you realize you love someone late, what are you going to do?

Me: suffer the consequences then… it’s your fault anyway, like me…

Tesa: oh? Why?

Me: I was left with no choice then but to do so.

Tesa: nagsisi ka?

Me: ofcourse, who wouldn’t?

Tesa: that hurts….

Me: so much… given another chance I would have done differently

Yeah, up to this second, chinito boi. If ever you’re reading this and im sure you are. Im regretting that moment I let you go. My compuction would go on and on thus never ending. Your dimpled face standing at the doorway and smiling at me would forever haunt me as I lay down to sleep. You do understand that I did that not for myself but for you and only you. Now it is only in my dreams that I can hold and continue loving you just like before. The difference? There was never a past to start with.

Tears are falling… beep beep beep.


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