Tuesday, November 13, 2007

You know, im starting to believe that distance and serenity are really my best friends...


Remember how I bordered on nothingness, threw all cares to the wind and went on a soul-searching journey? Back then, right after returning from civilization, I immediately wrote the seashore journal when I was in a state of “emotional high”. You know, emotions and feelings are intense and passionate that you just have to get everything out. But now, being distant and hushed from the experience (and this was what im talking about in the first place) I am more able to appreciate and scrutinize everything. To be far away from the far place I have gone made it sink into my ten pounds metal-coated brain. I think that just did the trick on how I went back to the old jacq everyone used to love and appreciate. You see, I may have been the same jacq who talks a million gigahertz a millisecond, eat tons of rice in a single eating and laugh as if a nuclear bomb has been dropped over my companions then but really, I know deep inside, that wasn’t just me anymore. I have lost something that’s for sure, but what or even how did it got lost, I have no idea anymore.

And that trip made me truly realize that what I have lost are things that I really have no use for or use for anymore. These things just made my life harder, emotionally heavier and more painful. You see, if my system has some good use for it, then my heart and mind wouldn’t have just let those things go right? But it wasn’t easy I tell you.. Having to rationalize everything and finally coming down to the fact that you just have to get used to the fact that the special essence or meaning of this particular memory had lost its special luster. I though back then that holding on to everything would be a concrete proof of how I love and treasure people-but I was wrong. For in clinging to these people and memories, so much of my energy has been taken, energy that I could have use in better things. and this was how specifically I began to stuff so much in my emotional luggage, trying to fit all these things and eventually spilling them out because there just no enough room for everything. It was then that I realize that leaving some things would be indispensable for I won’t be able to move forward.

So you have to let it go. Cause I know that deep in my heart that If I needed it badly, then I would have to take out everything out again and choose which ones to stay until finally, I have room for more precious people and things.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Seryoso stuffs

Ok, this is like, the first ever blog entry I would seriously write for the past 3 months. It’s been a turbulent whirlwind catch of just about anything and everything.

Uhm.. life here in manila, (living here I guess) for the past 3 months have obviously turned my life upside down. From being that sosyalera and maarte and wouldn’t even do that yucky thing.. I have obviously changed. What with being electrocuted for the first time in the bathroom, having to wake up and finding out there no water, using a string for a flush and sleeping in an upper deck, and most of all, dealing with 5 completely different persons and personalities. It’s like I have finally saw and experienced a world that is very new to me. and I would like to believe that it is good for me since it really tested my whole persona and strength! What started out as one funny adventure eventually reared its ugly head and made it one of the “contrabidas” in my life (heehee. From too much teleseryes I guess). Hmmm.. its not that bad I guess,, for it also have its upsides and one of that is learning that everything will not always be laid out there for my comfort. I realize that at some points in our lives, we really have to go up and stand to be able to get what we really want. And as for me, that is to go on to my sophomore year and eventually be in the lower deck of our apartment! Haha.

Love actually

Reacting on someone’s blog entry, hmm.. i guess each of us naman is really and painfully waiting for that SOMEONE special in our lives. Don’t we? But like what she said, she’s having this addiction. An addiction to love and falling in love… well, we all know that addiction is bad right? Dependency is being obsessed over something we totally like. I believe na hindi naman mababaw ang reason why she’s having this addiction. I know what she has gone through and its not easy stuff I tell you people buttttttt, I also believe (as a future nurse) that this is so unhealthy. Craving for love can make you lose your right mind and wits and well, maybe settle for whoever’s there and obtainable at the moment. I know this is hasty generalization but it’s a safe stake. What else? hankering for this particular kind of love can shut your mind and heart from the other forms of love that is also as fulfilling and as loving as that particular love she’s obsessing with. My point? I guess there’s nothing can be done to cure this addiction since its psychological in nature but there’s something you can do to prevent it from taking greater control over your life and that is: REDIRECT YOUR FOCUS AND ENERGY IN MORE POSITIVE AND GRATIFYING ACTIVITIES. And if everything else still fails, call me and I’d get in touch with a psychiatrist.

Gusto ko ba talagang maging nurse?

Uh.. this question has been bombarding me for 10 years already.joke. well, now that first sem is almost dying,, this question is a very popular topic among the freshmen. Naku, with all the cut-off and stuffs, why wont it be a crowd favorite? I don’t know pero I think I should really ask myself this question seriously,, I mean, ok, im studying nursing at UST. The first question is why did I study in ust? That’s because ust is a center for excellence in nursing education. Good, correct and practical right? Next, why did you take up nursing? Uh-oh. Maybe because it’s the only practical and high-paying job we have here in this economically-challenged country. Correct right? But is it good? For me maybe. Practical? Definitely. I can now forsee hundred of green papers in my hand right now. Haha. Maybe because I want to be of service to sick people out there, boo screw that. It’s not practical but its correct and good. So I can find any decent reason to justify my nursing choice. Maybe it’s the challenge, yeah I guess it’s the challenge. The chance to test my limits again to make it to my sophomore year. Ho-hum. Maybe that’s correct, practical and good. Maybe not. Next, can I take the hardships and traumas nursing can bring? Sure I can endure all the happy moments nursing can bring but can I stand it when my future patients die? When I can do nothing at all to ease their pain? Seeing all their pain bodies and terrified eyes because they’re not sure when to be able to see light again? Can I carry a dead body, cover it with white cloth and be the bearer of the bad news to his/her loved ones? Can I? can I? just thinking about these things make me cry. Now the question still hangs, gusto ko ba talagang maging nurse? God please give me a sign.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

today is august 08 2007..

-today has no class
-im bored to death
-i have slept excessively
-i wish i had just gone home to pampanga
-im reporting on friday
-and i'll have my graded recitation on friday too
-i miss my family
-nursing is hard
-especially when your chem is...
-i wanna cry

Monday, June 25, 2007

oh my,, its been awhile since i last updated and wellwellwell,,, what can i say? ahaha,,

NOTHING! (kidding!)

anyways here's a mini update on my life today:

*im studying now at uste
*nursing ako.. pssshh i know :C
*im learning how to live with 5 other people and sleep in a bed not really mine
*how to stay till midnight in school uniform! haha (school pride!)
*i can now live on P1000 a week..well i have too..you know,, haha
*i am currently discerning my orgs
*i have friends whe i thought i would be a loner for the coming days,,or years!
*i currently have 2 crushes,, and i have very close contact with them! yipee!
*chemistry kills... whaaa..
*i miss my mom
*i miss homecooked meals
*i miss CARLO. :C

haha..well that's pretty much about it, tada. see yah after the next chem. test

Friday, June 01, 2007

Jacq’s seashore journal
Countdown before school starts: 12 days

Hello everyone… I haven’t updated in like a million years huh?

Well, im fresh from being the beach goddess of my aunt’s gate away in Tanuan, batangas. Heehee! Been there to finally seek the quietness and solitude I’ve been yearning and to shut down myself from reality and think, meditate and gather my thoughts.

And my stay there was truly awesome! The thought of having a house steps away from the sand and sea was dreamy but looking at the horizon as the sun sets or listening to the waves are so soothing you could almost be healed by their calmness. I wished I could have just stayed there but I know I have to come back… as someone is waiting for my arrival *wink*

And I finally had the chance to fill in my loose and empty pages of my journal. I even renamed it “jacq’s seashore journal” haha.

Here are some bits and pieces of them:

“And I am gradually falling for him. Everyday that we are apart brings my heart closer to where he is. I never knew he even existed but im glad I found him. He brought me the peace in my heart I had been longing. He made my heart experience the rush of love and happiness again. And if only for that, I thank him. I thought that when we are away from each other, I shall forget him but no, it only made my heart long for his face, his voice, his smile, his embrace, his presence. And now, as I come back, I am sure, I have gotten there.. I am there. Yes, the rain has fallen and you caused me to finally fall. :D

“Rick says guilt-driven people are manipulated by memories. They allow their past to control their future. They often unconsciously punish themselves by being prisoners of that mere memory. And I am guilty of that. I have always allowed my past to run my present. It’s as if everything depended on it… every move.. every decision must be in accordance to the past. Maybe that’s the reason why I hadn’t really moved on then. I told myself im gonna let everything flew with the wind. But truth is.. I was just bluffing… I hadn’t really let go and had no intention of doing that. Why? That’s the bigger question, and I hadn’t really answered it…”

“I am thinking.. these is the perfect place to cry you know… it’s quiet here and no one would even bother to stop me. and I feel as if the nature understands me.. she doesn’t have to say anything but I know, it sympathizes with me.. and after this.. im gonna drown my tears in the sea.. sea is salty right? So is tears so I guess, the sea would take away my tears as I shed them..
I hope so..”

“they say that there is another kind of love.. and that is having enough love to sometimes leave that person ALONE. Sabi nila even people who love each other must let each other suffer at times. That’s because sometimes, no matter what you do, you can’t embrace the pain for them nor suffer it for them. All you can do is watch them from afar as they break themselves..and be there through every fall they do. But that’s so painful right? Ang sakit sakit knowing you can’t do anything. You feel so helpless. Why? kelan ba naging madali na panoorin ang isang taong mahal mo na masaktan? But it is essential if not vital for people to sometimes be alone in their pains and sufferings for here is where our truest selves emerge. When we feel we can no longer go on, we’d see and we’d realize, we have come this far to give up now. And in this realization we’ll come to know that even if we need to leave people alone, that sometimes we must be left alone, love and understanding would never waver-never a bit”

Thursday, April 26, 2007


I was in Ust last Monday for our enrollment which was fast and easy. It was also cool since the enrollment sites were air-con (yahoo!). sad lang ako kasi I really want to take up ROTC kaso many had advised me not to take it since it’s hard daw. Hmpf! Well anyways, after that we went to the owwa office and had to take a jeepney! Haha. It was a long and bumpy ride! And We missed a turn and got lost. Pucha! Haha we were supposed to get off at Harrison-mabini but guess what? Napunta kaming mall of asia. Haha. So much for that, nakarating din naman kami :D and then wait wait and wait. Hai.. and then I was called to join my mom and it was so cold in my seat since a huge aircon was right infront of me! maybe have I stayed for a few minutes, I would have freezed. Haha. Edi yun,,, then my mom told me to go ahead na and asked if I already know how to go back, I said yes and I lied haha. So anyways, I rode a jeep and then yon,, travel travel travel until bigla nalang ako nagpara.. this is the stupid part of me since I actually know it’s a wrong stop and yet I got off. Ok so im lost na dito and decided I should tell mom, she asked me to look for a landmark daw,, edi yun I walked and walked and I saw a fountain na anchor ang main piece niya.. and then I went nearer and saw that the place pala was called “SEAMAN’S PARK” haha. Sobrang natawa ako dito! I remembered carlo tuloy :D and then mom said I should asked for directions na since she doesn’t know the hell where I was. Haha edi yon, when I was looking na for persons to asked, all I can see was men wearing pure white uniforms with something on their shoulders at mga naka semi na haircut. Naks, puro mga marines chuva lang ang present sa lugar. Haha I approach a kind-looking marine and asked for direction and he glady helped naman. Yahoo. Yun nakabalik din ako sa avenida :D now, was that coincidence na napunta ako don or miss ko lang yung tao na yun? Haha. :p

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Happy Easter Wednesday everyone!

I missed texting! For almost a week now… I have not used my phone and I think its doing me great. I finally get to detach myself from it and regain my sanity which was lost during the schooldays with it.. nyahaha. Oh well, not being able to use also offered me solitude as the past week was holy week. I did a lot of thinking and reflection and I actually felt good about those things that I have come to realize. I just hope that whatever I had come up during that break will now be applied in my everyday life starting now.

My mission for the months April-May: lose unwanted weight!!!

Jogging every morning
Doing sit-ups every afternoon
Less food intake
Drink green tea

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

New beginnings

I went to manila (dapitan street to be exact) to have an optical view or visit of my soon to be home for my college life. nyahaha. It’s called Santa Maria dormitory which houses girl borders lang. (too bad! Joke!) well, it ok naman… considering that when I go out of the dorm, I just have to cross the street and the ust gate is right there na.. saya diba? I will never be late for class again!! Uhm..im gonna share it with 5 other people who I hope are very kind and friendly pero the way that I see it naman when I was there, mukhang ok naman sila. Medyo magulo nga lang and makalat… well who cares.. when I come there, baka payatas dumpsite na nun yon! Haha. Yon. Haha im gonna transfer sometime late may or early june. I can’t still believe na finally, im gonna be away from my family and live away from them na!! huhuhu. Im gonna miss them and chikitingz too.

Friday, March 30, 2007

The time has come

Eto na… the right time for me to finally say goodbye to my dear alma mater, holy family academy and to all it’s places, events and people.

Graduation is here and so is goodbye.. nakakasad solid na im leaving for good and won’t be coming back.. at least not for a long time… and even if I do return, things would be different then.. I’d be a different person and so will holy family be.

I gonna move on to a different place.. a place that is very new to me. I am afraid of what my decision was but im standing by it. To take on new steps,, to grow and mature. Let go of the clutches of almost everyone and be at my own feet, even if it means im gonna break my heart for leaving this persons who make me life complete. Maybe letting go of this school will also let me let go of all the things or persons that are weighing me down. Sometimes, I think that it won’t be worth it but this is a decision that im sticking to. I really feel that God is calling me to go,, maybe this is His way.. His plan, and im willing to follow this plan wherever it may take me. It’s hard to say goodbye and leave but I must take the risk and breakaway from them and for me.

Goodbye to everyone.. each one of you was a piece of my heart that im gonna leave here together with all the memories we’ve all shared. Goobye.. goodbye..

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Dirty little secrets!

Finally after a week of sleepless nights and turbulent questioning, my (or rather the school’s secret) has been about who made it on the honor list. It’s hard keeping a secret as big as that because I am getting the feeling that any minute from then on, im gonna slip off. Haha. It was also weird knowing something that only the top people would be given a chance to know while my fellow seniors torture themselves in pondering about it. Hehe. Many are asking why do I know about it? Well, I can’t really speak in details but to summarize everything…. We sat down with sis. Ida for chitchat last week and the meeting looked like a committee looking for a possible solution to a predicament. We exchanged, argued and debated ideas and beliefs over one topic. It was hard because sister was expecting our view or (as odie says) our verdict to help her fathom things. but nevertheless eventhough the conversation’s issue was sensitive and serious, we managed to get cozy and candid. The meeting ended with us writing papers for her and seeking the partial list (very partial). We were even given snacks afterwards! (sayang, it was expired!) After this, I was again called and was shown the entire list na. I was shocked and sister again asked my final say and like what I said 2-4 hours before, I stood by my decision.

Fast forward, I was sitted beside wen and was holding bianca’s hand when sister passed by and said hi to me! funny! And then came the announcements which surprised me no more. Many tears had fallen If I may say and then sister after announcing the list went over and hugged me. and then when we are going to leave na, she again talked to me and asked if I agree with her decision.. and I told her “yes” and smiled. She smiled too and said she enjoyed talking to me then she pinch me on my arm.

“We could be merciful but we have to let people suffer the consequences for their actions”

“It is our decisions, which puts us into whatever situations we are in right now.”

“Judge your success by what you have to give up in order to get it”

Friday, March 16, 2007

One enchanted night
(this was posted later because of some technical glitches haha..)

Oh senior year prom day is definitely one of the most memorable events in high school. That’s because I had a lot of firsts like:
>first time to arrive on time.. actually not on time but so much early on time!
>was able to criticize gowns like the “bubble skirts” haha. Nice one Jason!
>First to have my photo taken at the booth.. well the first senior fine!!!
>able to photo shoot every person worth remembering (yep, even the stolens and the candids are kasama.)
>the first time to decline someone for a dance, when before I was dying to be invited by him haha.(noe im regretting I didn’t accepted his invite.
>the first time to almost cry on the dancefloor. Haha thinking about it now this is so funny! Well for 2 reasons eh.. 1st is that I was already about to approach this person to ask him to dance with me kaso at that precise moment he was already holding another girl’s hand. Second is that basta, public blog kasi to eh so in short I felt the night was too perfect to be true. (fast forward, totoo nga, too good to be true!)
>the first time to actually trip because of my heels. (I lost my bet to brown… he promised 5k if I could walk properly with them.)
>the first time to dance non-stop for almost 5 songs ahaha addict!
>I finished the entire food on the plate (deserves the Oscars!)

and finally……..

the first time to dance with someone I barely knew for almost the entire night and actually enjoyed it. :) I never thought that the prom was so much better when he was around (at least you know he’s a guy… haha) and like everyone was saying.. everyone was shocked that I was dancing with him.. you know,, it’s weird. Peculiar. Unusual. For me or for him daw. Haha. People talaga. Well, I was surprised myself. Well, at least I can look back at prom and say “oy, masaya ang prom dahil kay *toot*”

Okey.. prom awards II

Most bad-trip moment: best dressed nominees are all juniors! What the heck! Even the prom queen was a junior! Damn you junior teachers!

Most memorable: odie’s messed up lyrics. The best.

Most kilig moment: last slow dances for the night.. whoohoo.. I was like drugged then!! I even remember the songs… “what matters most”, “let the love begin”, “grow old with you” and “how did you know”.

Most nakakasuka: nelson and edralin doing all their acrobatic stunts onstage..eww,,, totally gross.

Most masenti part: the tribute!! But it was kinda dragging eh,,

Happiest moment: when I was asked by someone to dance

Nakakatouch moment: bestfriend najee dragged me to dance and said “bestfriend dapat and first dance!”

Nakakaaray na moment: seeing him dance with someone else. Huhu. I was about to ask him na eh.

Nakakainis na moment: lining up for the food. It took us forrrrrrrrrrever to have ours.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

My heart finally decides/ happy 17th birthday to me!

Commercial lang:

Here are the things that are worth mentioning in this day:

-Najee was the first to greet me the advanced happy birthday 11:40 pm
-jom was the first to actually greet me a happy birthday 12:00:10 am
-mommy was the first to send me a picture greeting
-jasper sent a total of 75 text greetings in succession causing my phone to wipe clean my inbox
-mariel was the first to greet me on school
-Justine was the last to greet me before going home.
-Ryan was my only close friend who actually forgot my birthday.
-melvern was the last person to greet me for the day.. hey! He even made an effort and called me on the cellphone. Awww. Touched.
-someone made a pasimple birthday greeting through Joseph. haha
-someone hugged and kissed me on the cheek before going home. (Anti-D!)
-I saw a scene that totally made my heart go toink! (Whatever is this, no one will ever know. letters!)
-this day was spent practicing for commencement exercises and liturgical songs. Exhausted really.

It’s my birthday and here I am trying to make the decisions that would forever influence my life. Meaning… that whatever I decided within this time being would be enough to change my future and either make it a happy or a disastrous one.

College life looms around the corner and there is no use trying to pretend that it won’t happen because it will. And since college is near, I need to decide which university will I be staying since the confirmation dates are all nearing. The choices: ateneo de manila or university of Santo Tomas… BA communication or BS nursing.

A magazine said that in making decisions, you should not just decide rather, discern.. in our cle class… discernment refers to the process of recognizing God’s will as unfolded by life’s events. What does GOD really want me to do? And that is the question I am going to answer at the end of this entry.

Last march 09, we went to st.scho marikina and we passed by ateneo.. Seeing my dream school now so close to me had left me feeling of happiness and pride because I was one of the very few people who were able to meet its very high standards. Ever since I first heard of ateneo back then in grade five, I had always dreamt of the day when I would be a part of that school and be able to study there. So I thought, “what the heck, this happens to me only on a blue moon... would I let it pass?” silly me... it was only months then when I was pinning away because I thought back then that I had failed miserably and now look at where I am..

Last February 10, I went to UST for the final requirement of passing the nursing standards,, the interview. And while I was waiting, soaking in everything that I was seeing there had also made me so blissful because of all the thousands who had applied to be a part of the nursing roster, I was again one of the few people who even managed to run the second leap. In my heart, I know that I am indeed very lucky for having such fortune. This was also a chance of a lifetime for many are called but very few are indeed chosen, the final question is will I answer and hear the call?

Two great opportunities are laid down on my table today. Two very rare chance are now presented to me for me to able to finally take my pick but which one should I choose? Which direction of the wind must I follow? And what will make my heart really happy? Here’s how I finally took my pick…

Last march 09, we went to st.scho marikina and we passed by ateneo.. Seeing my dream school now so close to me had left me feeling of happiness and pride because I was one of the very few people who were able to meet its very high standards. Ever since I first heard of ateneo back then in grade five, I had always dreamt of the day when I would be a part of that school and be able to study there. So I thought, “what the heck, this happens to me only on a blue moon... would I let it pass?” silly me... it was only months then when I was pinning away because I thought back then that I had failed miserably and now look at where I am.. but as we passed by all it’s gym and buildings and roadways, I feel like I am walking an unfamiliar road. All the happiness that I was feeling was suddenly accompanied by an ill feeling of sadness. And finally, I felt very alone and sad because I was waiting for my heart to finally hit the buzzer and say “congratulations jacq!, this is your dream and you’re about to make it come true! This is what you’ll be calling home for the next four years” but sadly, there was no buzzer, no banner and no sense of belonging. It is then as our bus slipped of katipunan that I realized that maybe ateneo might not be for me.

As when I walked the rooms and buildings of the nursing department and saw all the students and chaos that UST presented, I still managed to have a sweet smile. Entering our car and preparing to leave UST, my heart finally gave me the answer I was waiting for… for my heart finally felt at home.

It is true that many dreams would have to remain dreams for the rest of our lives for they maybe too high or too dangerous or in simple words, simply not meant for us. Yet I have been blessed to have 2 of my most wished dreams come true at the same time at a situation I haven’t expected. But with these came the great agony and pain of choosing which one to take and which one to leave and let forever remain a dream. But what had helped me decide which one is actually a very simple act.. Listening to my heart and perceive its whisper for im sure, it has always been there since the start for the dream wouldn’t have been there..

But good things I know comes almost always with a prize. A prize that I thought would have been easy to elude. Yet it struck me down and let me experience the pain and regret of what I have to give up to get what I want. And it’s a very saddening fact that what I gave up took almost everything again from me… everything that I had worked so hard for.. so I really have to let it pass and I guess I would have to content myself with the knowledge that what I gained was BEST than what I gave up (the grammar was an exaggeration).

“With love, there are no rules.. The heart decides and what it decides is all that really matters.”

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Love letters on a loveless valentines day

It’s been almost two years since I’ve last celebrated valentines exclusively with someone and even then, it was a period that I’d rather forget since that was a turbulent period in my young life and I’d rather not talk about it here because that might mean reopening scars only to make them bleed again. That’s talking about teen angst. Haha.

anyways, I was dusting my shoes when I came across my treasure box buried under my converse and nike boxes. It was just an ordinary old shoebox but it is very special for me for it holds one of my dearest possessions… my letters. Ranging from the friendly letters to the angst personified letters to the sweetest letters to the most heart breaking of them all, I kept them all knowing that someday, im gonna be needing them later on. There are letters that have already been open and stashed inside it but many letters I chose to keep sealed. Why? you might ask.. hmmm just because at that moment, I wasn’t ready to read them or to know their content. Yes im afraid of what im gonna find inside and im afraid that whatever the note contains might just hurt me. So I took risk of not opening them, sealing them inside my letterbox and hoping that one day, I would find the bravery and the spirit to open and read them though I know, to some extent that it is already too late.

And now, I think the perfect time has come.

I dunno how in the world am I gonna start reading those letters because there are a billion questions that’s been flaming my head and heart right now. The “what-ifs?” so they say. What if I have been brave enough to read those letters? What if I took that ONE CHANCE to open them and finding out what they would have intended to say? Would my life change then? Would it have turn toward a better road? Ofcourse this question will never and never will have the chance to be answered since I’ve already made up a decision. Though it provided me security, relief and safety for some time, I dunno how long it can keep me insulated from everything that should have happened have I opened the letters.

The letter that im gonna write about here was from a love that was never ours but him and mine. Do you get the point here? Haha. Anyways, ok.. I better not mention whatever was written but I guess its safe to say that I am not regretting my decision not to open the letter no matter how much agony and pain it had cause me. It is only now that I get to realize that, yeah, I’ve done the right thing although reminiscing back those moments, I knew and still can recall the many doubts and uncertainties I have felt then. It was a great feeling braving them all. And now, I knew, I did made the right decision.

that had happened exactly 2 years and 2 months ago.

It was a February when I realize that we would have to let go and say goodbye to each other. I could never forget the scene when we were together in the stairs for the last time and talking about what would happen have fates intertwine our roads again. We held hands and I remembered him gazing at me and at that moment, I knew he was memorizing my face… committing to his memory all the details that he could because he knew it was the last. There will be no more phone calls or late night text messages or even a little hello after that day. It’s over and so are we.

I would have followed him or even begged him to stay and not to leave me. but my pride knows more than that. It’s actually not just my pride… what maybe kept me from hanging on is that he himself already surrendered. He already gave up. He already gave me and us up.

But I have no reason to complain right? This has been my decision on the first place. No one forced me to do this and so even if my life turned a bitchy road, still gotta be thankful since small mishaps eventually led to maturity, learning and yes admitting for the first time, blessings.

Now, I cannot still say that I’ve moved on, I still love him you see. Even if spaces and dimensions already takes us apart, I still love him. I think im never gonna love any person more than the love I had given him. There are times when I feel Im ok and say “im over him” but deep down inside, I know, that whatever im feeling for him is still there, it might be hiding, it might have shifted or change but I know, that love still remains. But I think im improving, there are days when I feel so down and the pain is just so intolerable but I still manage. I think im better than ok now. I may have not “moved on” but im “moving on”. Trying hard to forget him and eliminate him in my world though that may really take some time.

But You know what hurts the most? It’s not just about not being able to celebrate even just one valentines day with him. It’s the thought that he wouldn’t be around for tomorrow or for all the days after it… and it never fails to make me sad.

Happy Valentines Day everyone!

Happy 17th birthday to you Ryan!

Happy birthday to you Uncle Edgar!

Happy birthday to you Kris Aquino!

Friday, February 09, 2007


Two more weeks to go before it’s Unofficially over,, can’t believe it!! Whoa.. but before time… thorns muna!

Im going to uste tomorrow for the interview and I hope I really made it. Kahiya naman kasi after all, this is the school I exerted the most effort. Bittersweet story eh??

Kanina while we were having our DEAR, yung mag was entitled MISYON uhm.. maybe some of you are familiar with this religious mag well anyways, there’s this quote na sobrang na touch ako,,

“love all your life, the good times, bad times, crummy times and ordinary times because that is where we meet god and become who we are. God is a part of our stories and the story of Jesus’ dying and rising is a part of our stories. I accept and treasure the dark times. This is easy to say when one is admiring the stars but not so easy to say when we are in total darkness. Recognizing that we have been in the dark before, we believe that we will be able to see the stars. Darkness can create deeper capacities for insights, connectedness and joy. Sometimes we see the stars quickly while sometimes it takes longer than a lifetime”

wala lang. I just feel better whenever I read the quote.. just sharing.

Monday, February 05, 2007

It’s February

The I Heart You month… bummer!

I hate valentines because everyone is so sweet and mushy while im an old maiden! Huhuh. With no one to spend valentines with, might as well dream about the nearing end of my high school existence and my existing worries in choice of universities and MY BIRTHDAY! Yipee!! Now, that’s something to look forward to. Im turning seventeen just like my favorite mag harhar!! But nga pala, I’ve told celine that im gonna make a decision regarding my COLLEGE LIFE on or before the 14th of march or simply told… my birthday!! Yahahah. Okey, I know nothing is so joyous about that but I love birthdays, especially mine cause I get to celebrate it! Hehe. Ok ‘nuff said na and I think I should focus on uhm,, I dunno what! Haay, whatever,, nonsense stuffs are starting to fill up this space so im going.

By the way.. I already have a dress for our prom. Talk about “GAGAD” haha wala lang Sharing lang..

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

You know guys, im so stress out this days,, there’s just too many problems and too many things to either a)think about b)decide to or with c)make do with d)live with it.

Things are so frustrating. This has not been a very kind January for me considering all the bad news I am receiving all at once. I almost felt like crying. Like not being accepted in UP, being placed in waiting list in Ust but passing in ateneo!! Do you get that feeling? I feel that ateneo’s test was the hardest and yet it was only the test that I passed! How bad could that be huh? And UST, I feel so downed knowing I hadn’t make it to the quota. Im so depressed. Miserable. Down in the dumps. Despondent. Dejected. Downhearted. Upset. Wretched. I don’t know what. Sobrang sad talaga ang nadarama ko. Ewan. Hindi naman ako makaiyak. Huhuhu.

The next night.. (which is today..)
I’ve thought that just like celine, I also hit a jackpot! I’ve got a passed, waiting and failed results. Three in a row so it’s not bad. Yaryar! Just trying to make myself laugh.

I just really hope that I would be able to make it.

(talking to myself)
don’t lose hope jacq., battle not yet over.

Im doing my final articles for our last cor-unum in high school *sobs*

Sunday, January 14, 2007


Whooper!! Haha got the entrance test result last Sunday pa. Celine just texted na meron na nga and she was asking for my middle name. Hesitant akong ibigay kasi im really expecting REJECTION (as always) but this time’s different. I PASSED!! Haha. Out ata of the 30plus who took the test in our school, only jom, celine and I passed. Im now an incoming communications major at ateneo de manila university. Wish! Haha! but still undecided since the other test results hadn’t been announced yet. But still, I passed my dream school!! :D pretty good start for 2007 wasn’t it?