Saturday, October 08, 2005

Im here alone in my room...

The night wears on and is as still as my whatever.

I know I shouldn’t be senti- not now especially since im still to go out and watch big brother. Nina’s steep is playing on my mp3 so people would just forgive me for doin’ so. I chatted with an old friend of mine and talking to him had gave me some startling sayings and maxims and everything else in between. This thus, had somehow ignited an old flame. A feeling so long hidden and thought gone now marks its return (for the last time I hope!)
Dear Catherine, I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in so long. I feel I've been lost. No bearings, no compass. I kept crashing into things, a little crazy I guess. I've never been lost before. You were my true north. I could always steer for home when you were my home. Forgive me for being so angry when you left. I still think some mistake's been made and I'm waiting for God to take it back. But I'm doing better now. The work helps me. Most of all, you help me. You came into my dream last night with that smile of yours that always held me like a lover, rocked me like a child. All I remember from the dream is a feeling of peace. I woke up with that feeling and tried to keep it alive as long as I could. I'm writing to tell you that I'm on a journey toward that peace. And to tell you I'm sorry about so many things. I'm sorry I didn't take better care of you so that you never spent one minute being cold or scared or sick. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to find the words to tell you what I was feeling. I'm sorry I never fixed the screen door. I fixed it now. I'm sorry I ever fought with you. I'm sorry I didn't apologize more. I was too proud. I'm sorry I didn't bring you more compliments on everything you wore and every way you fixed your hair. I'm sorry I didn't hold on to you with so much strength that even God couldn't pull you away. All my love. G.
This letter would best describe what im feelin’ now. Sad, hurt and regretful-of the things that may or may not happen. People often tell me that we make our own destiny, our personal fate. Then why is it that I can’t make a justification out of it?? I did make a choice but I don’t think it’s a personal decision even a reason. Im drowning in all of my sadness. I want to find the answers but it doesn’t seem to come. Where did they all go?? I think I should have deserve something more than this-pain and misery. Do I deserve to be away from someone I once had so close- only now he’s too far to be reach?? Where did all the feeling go?? Why is it up to now that im waiting... still do but for what...? I dunno... im only just waiting... just waiting... why did it had to go when it was already here?? So near yet so far,,, oh how ironic life goes! How cruel does fate plays!
I know life always yields something for the better... that in everything it takes away, it gives something back. Im still waiting for that something, that better it would give me.
Im shedding tears now- I dunno. Life and love seem so blur from my eyes. Why is it so? Does anyone know the answer? Tell me this fight is worth it. Tell me it actually exists. My soul is bein’ teared apart and there is not a single thing I can do... my heart is weeping but what can I do?
Haayy.. I’ll just stay here.. drowning in my glass of water.. chachix!

2 comments:

John said...

An Ignoble Nobel?
Posted Friday, Oct. 7, 2005, at 2:18 PM PT A new Nobel laureate for peace has bloggers in an uproar.
Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!

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Come and check it out if you get time :-)

postUK2 said...

The Week That Was
Insane. That's probably the best word I can use to describe this week. The second annual Web 2.0 conference has reached its close and while hanging out at the conference and " related events " the last few days ...
Interesting blog. Like it! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!

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