Tuesday, November 13, 2007

You know, im starting to believe that distance and serenity are really my best friends...


Remember how I bordered on nothingness, threw all cares to the wind and went on a soul-searching journey? Back then, right after returning from civilization, I immediately wrote the seashore journal when I was in a state of “emotional high”. You know, emotions and feelings are intense and passionate that you just have to get everything out. But now, being distant and hushed from the experience (and this was what im talking about in the first place) I am more able to appreciate and scrutinize everything. To be far away from the far place I have gone made it sink into my ten pounds metal-coated brain. I think that just did the trick on how I went back to the old jacq everyone used to love and appreciate. You see, I may have been the same jacq who talks a million gigahertz a millisecond, eat tons of rice in a single eating and laugh as if a nuclear bomb has been dropped over my companions then but really, I know deep inside, that wasn’t just me anymore. I have lost something that’s for sure, but what or even how did it got lost, I have no idea anymore.

And that trip made me truly realize that what I have lost are things that I really have no use for or use for anymore. These things just made my life harder, emotionally heavier and more painful. You see, if my system has some good use for it, then my heart and mind wouldn’t have just let those things go right? But it wasn’t easy I tell you.. Having to rationalize everything and finally coming down to the fact that you just have to get used to the fact that the special essence or meaning of this particular memory had lost its special luster. I though back then that holding on to everything would be a concrete proof of how I love and treasure people-but I was wrong. For in clinging to these people and memories, so much of my energy has been taken, energy that I could have use in better things. and this was how specifically I began to stuff so much in my emotional luggage, trying to fit all these things and eventually spilling them out because there just no enough room for everything. It was then that I realize that leaving some things would be indispensable for I won’t be able to move forward.

So you have to let it go. Cause I know that deep in my heart that If I needed it badly, then I would have to take out everything out again and choose which ones to stay until finally, I have room for more precious people and things.

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