Love letters on a loveless valentines day
It’s been almost two years since I’ve last celebrated valentines exclusively with someone and even then, it was a period that I’d rather forget since that was a turbulent period in my young life and I’d rather not talk about it here because that might mean reopening scars only to make them bleed again. That’s talking about teen angst. Haha.
anyways, I was dusting my shoes when I came across my treasure box buried under my converse and nike boxes. It was just an ordinary old shoebox but it is very special for me for it holds one of my dearest possessions… my letters. Ranging from the friendly letters to the angst personified letters to the sweetest letters to the most heart breaking of them all, I kept them all knowing that someday, im gonna be needing them later on. There are letters that have already been open and stashed inside it but many letters I chose to keep sealed. Why? you might ask.. hmmm just because at that moment, I wasn’t ready to read them or to know their content. Yes im afraid of what im gonna find inside and im afraid that whatever the note contains might just hurt me. So I took risk of not opening them, sealing them inside my letterbox and hoping that one day, I would find the bravery and the spirit to open and read them though I know, to some extent that it is already too late.
And now, I think the perfect time has come.
I dunno how in the world am I gonna start reading those letters because there are a billion questions that’s been flaming my head and heart right now. The “what-ifs?” so they say. What if I have been brave enough to read those letters? What if I took that ONE CHANCE to open them and finding out what they would have intended to say? Would my life change then? Would it have turn toward a better road? Ofcourse this question will never and never will have the chance to be answered since I’ve already made up a decision. Though it provided me security, relief and safety for some time, I dunno how long it can keep me insulated from everything that should have happened have I opened the letters.
The letter that im gonna write about here was from a love that was never ours but him and mine. Do you get the point here? Haha. Anyways, ok.. I better not mention whatever was written but I guess its safe to say that I am not regretting my decision not to open the letter no matter how much agony and pain it had cause me. It is only now that I get to realize that, yeah, I’ve done the right thing although reminiscing back those moments, I knew and still can recall the many doubts and uncertainties I have felt then. It was a great feeling braving them all. And now, I knew, I did made the right decision.
that had happened exactly 2 years and 2 months ago.
It was a February when I realize that we would have to let go and say goodbye to each other. I could never forget the scene when we were together in the stairs for the last time and talking about what would happen have fates intertwine our roads again. We held hands and I remembered him gazing at me and at that moment, I knew he was memorizing my face… committing to his memory all the details that he could because he knew it was the last. There will be no more phone calls or late night text messages or even a little hello after that day. It’s over and so are we.
I would have followed him or even begged him to stay and not to leave me. but my pride knows more than that. It’s actually not just my pride… what maybe kept me from hanging on is that he himself already surrendered. He already gave up. He already gave me and us up.
But I have no reason to complain right? This has been my decision on the first place. No one forced me to do this and so even if my life turned a bitchy road, still gotta be thankful since small mishaps eventually led to maturity, learning and yes admitting for the first time, blessings.
Now, I cannot still say that I’ve moved on, I still love him you see. Even if spaces and dimensions already takes us apart, I still love him. I think im never gonna love any person more than the love I had given him. There are times when I feel Im ok and say “im over him” but deep down inside, I know, that whatever im feeling for him is still there, it might be hiding, it might have shifted or change but I know, that love still remains. But I think im improving, there are days when I feel so down and the pain is just so intolerable but I still manage. I think im better than ok now. I may have not “moved on” but im “moving on”. Trying hard to forget him and eliminate him in my world though that may really take some time.
But You know what hurts the most? It’s not just about not being able to celebrate even just one valentines day with him. It’s the thought that he wouldn’t be around for tomorrow or for all the days after it… and it never fails to make me sad.
Happy Valentines Day everyone!
Happy 17th birthday to you Ryan!
Happy birthday to you Uncle Edgar!
Happy birthday to you Kris Aquino!